= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The rain fell softly on the pavement, not unusual for this time of year.
She trudged down the street. Backpack slung over one shoulder, designer jeans an expensive shirt and shoes donned her. Yet something missing...
Her boyfriend had today first told her he loved her. After a year of life together, he had finally said it. For months, she had dreamed of it. But now she was not quite sure she wanted it. It was that other boy...
Her boyfriend had been good to her. Treated her like the princess he had fallen in love with. She had thought she wanted him too. But now she knew it wasn't meant to be.
Yes, she had left him. With a shocked look on his face, tears filling her eyes, she had whispered apologies and whirled away as quick as she had come. Whirled away to find him. The other boy she had mistakenly fallen in love with.
She finally found him, with a few of his friends. At his locker. She had known him for a long time. Grown up together. Shared his life, as he had hers. Almost best friends. Except she wanted more.
His friends eventually left, and she cried on his shoulder the tears she had been holding back. He rocked her quietly, not expecting what was coming. She explained ever so gently that she was in love. With him.
Yes, he loved her too. But in a different way. He eased away slowly, startled by her news. She asked him to accept her, but he could not. Not after so many years of friendship. It would ruin everything.
So now she treaded home, through the rain. He had apologized profusely, but she had ignored it, choosing to put a strong cover on, as she often did.
He life was already ruined. Her boyfriend was gone, her love had rejected her, and no one but she knew the pain she felt inside. No one would know. Ever.
She reached home, feeling despair fill her very being. She dropped her backpack inside the front door of her large house, and found she was the only one home. Probably because she had left school early, at lunch. She would be alone for another good two hours.
She wasn't supposed to be feeling this way. Not only at seventeen. This was her last year of high school. She was supposed to be out partying, having fun. Not trapped within herself, too afraid to show who she really was.
She entered her room and placed a CD in the expensive player. A CD her brothers had produced years before. She tracked her favourite song and sank down on the bed as music filled the room.
She rested for a moment, then got up and went into her parents bathroom. She reached into the cupboard. Removed one of her fathers razors. Went back to her room, sitting on the floor. Looking at it.
She held it up to her wrist and pondered whether her life was precious enough to grasp onto. She was vaguely aware of the song replaying itself. And her phone next to the bed ringing.
She ignored her thoughts though. It didn't matter what she thought anymore. She had dared to break free of convention, her pattern of life, and look where it had gotten her. She'd had the guts and it had taken her to nowhere but misery.
Her answering machine picked up the call, and she immediately halted the protruding razor as she heard his voice.
"Jessica," he started. "I'm still at school. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, and I know you're there. Pick up the phone? I don't know what I was thinking. If you'll still have me... well, we need to talk."
The message ended, and she felt a load immediately lift off her shoulders. She smiled for the first time in a long time, and darted out the door. Back to school. To find him.
The door to her bedroom slammed as the last prominent notes of her favourite song echoed to a halt.
If only I had the guts to feel this way....
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =